Walking home from town and thinking about depression
I've just got home from work, and I've been enjoying listening to a new audiobook, "Reasons to Stay Alive" by Matt Haig. It's a short read, chronicling the author's journey with depression and anxiety.
It's got me thinking though. I haven't spoken much on social media about my own times with depression and anxiety and to be honest, I think I'm kind of scared to. Not because I don't WANT to share it, but because when I was experiencing peak anxiety just the thought of mention of "anxiety" or any of its symptoms would begin to make me feel anxious. So I guess I'm scared of triggering someone else's anxiety.
I would like to share more one day. For now, just know that if that's you... You are not alone. I know that sounds like the most cliched thing to say to someone but the reason it's important is because of how lonely these experiences are. I thought I was the only one in the whole universe who felt like I did, like I was struck on a miserable island millions of kilometres from the care and warmth of other humans.
So I'll say it again. You're not alone.
I've been there. Millions of others are there, with you right now. That statistic blows my mind but unfortunately it's the truth. It's a crowded island. Know that people DO care about you. People DO love you, and when the depression or anxiety hits you, your brain feeds you all sorts of lies.
I don't really know what else to say but there is hope. I've never felt more "in a loving relationship" with myself and my inner experiences than I do these days. I think about this almost everyday, and still feel amazed at how I can feel so... *accepting* after feeling so shit in my early 20s (I just noticed I didn't want to say I felt *good* these days because the truth is, I still feel it ALL cos I'm a human, but I ride the waves with more skill now than I did back then... the most accurate word is acceptance).
And weirdly, just like chronic illness taught me to be acutely sensitive to physical symptoms, mental illness made me acutely sensitive to my feelings and thoughts. It's not necessary to find gratitude in all of life's experiences but I genuinely feel grateful for this.
That's all
Love,
Lauren
